Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, just the Mac and the mouse,
When all of a sudden a wail filled the air
As the burglar alarm detected a hair.

I ran to the keypad, pushed down on the code
Hoping neighborly tempers would not explode.
The phone rang and I told the guard I was fine
When over the rooftop came a great whine,

Then four beeps, a grunt, a groan and a sigh
And a deep voice bellowing down from on high:
"Things have come to a pretty pass, I have to say,
When the elves install car alarms right on my sleigh!"

He was dressed for South Florida, wearing shorts and a tee,
With the logo of Lauderdale-down-by-the-sea.

Brakes squealed as a sleigh wheel got caught in the gutter
And Rudolph's hoof smashed up a hurricane shutter.

"I'm glad you dropped in," I wanted to say,
But thoughts of a homeowners policy got in the way.

They don't cover sleigh wheels, or santas, or deer,
So I'd soon be in debt for for this holiday cheer.

"Have a soft drink?" I offered, to get him out faster,
But at moochng this guy was clearly the master.
"Soda? For children! Just give me a brew.
Molsons preferred, but Corona will do."

"Gee, Santa," I said, as I eyed his big sack,
"I still have twelve boxes left to unpack.
Instead of a gift this year, maybe your elves
Could help me assemble my lamps and my shelves?
And move this big table and hang all those prints --"

But all of a sudden I saw Santa wince.
"I have a long drive," he said with a frown,
"And the elves union says they have to put down
Their tools after midnight, or I travel alone
And call for repairs on my cellular phone.
A mechanic on holidays? I don't do magic
And delaying these gifts to good kids would be tragic."

A last sip of beer, a quick wave of the hand
And Santa was headed away from my land.

The sleigh was still on the roof, so I cried,
"Take special care as you climb up the side!
Those screens are secure, and they have little wires
To sound an alarm against burglars and fires --"

Too late! A boot crashed and the sirens began
And 'twas back to the keypad before they could scan
My sensors again, for twice in one night
Would give any alarm system cause for a fright.

I'll be spared Santa's gifts when I wake Christmas morning
So I'll just take some time to post a new warning:
"No trespassing: Elves and santas beware!
All visitors must offer to do home repair!"

For serious advice about moving, download Making the Big Move.