August, the eighth month of the year, is to put it bluntly ...the worst of a long, hot summer or perhaps the armpit of an incredibly sweltering one.

If you're in a quandary about why a cow would want to jump over the moon, who let the screaming meemies loose, and where the damn dog ran away with the spoon -- you definitely need a vacation!

So kick back, toss your TV remote control and cell phone in the lake, and try fly-swatting for a change!

On the other hand, for all those who have to report for work and suffer from far too many liquid lunches, limp watercress sandwiches, and lightweight daydreams, consider celebrating "Men from Mars Day". (That's when masked men with maps and Mayflower Madams on their minds descend from simmering, sleek, sight-seeing spaceships to discover they've not only arrived on the wrong planet, but also 3,542 years too late for the beach party.)

So without further adieu, adios, a rivederci, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, not to mention cheerio, ciao, pip pip, tah tah, toodle-oo, see you later Alligator, and that wretched standby ... "Have a Nice Day" - take our advice ...enjoy these good-humored, good-for-nothing activities that exemplify the merry month of August.

August 1 - BATHTUB RACING DAY (Grab an old bathtub, put on some wheels and an old motor...then find a place to let'em rip and roar!)

August 2 - NATIONAL ABBREVIATION APPRECIATION DAY (Time to celebrate the ancient sport of skinny-dipping, the science of getting down to bare essentials, and the fine art of bikinis, briefs and box shorts.)

August 3 - ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN RECOGNITION DAY (A great way to honor weird things that are bound to melt sooner or later and leave a smelly mess behind.)

August 4 - BOB DID IT DAY (Anything you'd dearly love to pin on dear old Bob, now's the time to do it).

August 5 - DEVIL'S ADVOCATE DAY (Time to get out your bull horns, slip into a flaming red spandex suit, and grab a rusty pitchfork - cause there's a trial balloon or a sacred cow with your name on it!)

August 6 - NATIONAL HYPOCHONDRIAC APPRECIATION DAY (It's the annual "My Ailment's More Serious Than Your's Is" Swap Meet & Pity-Pot Party).

August 7 - LEFT-FIELD AWARENESS DAY (Time to honor all those things that come appear out of nowhere and hit you on the head every now and then like bird droppings, old flames, and visits from long-lost relatives.)

August 8 - SCARLET PIMPERNEL AND MATA HARI DAY (Time to go incognito - be your favorite mystery man or maven - what's your nom de plume and your game?)

August 9 - ALPHABET APPRECIATION DAY - "B" (Time to talk about people, places and things beginning with the letter "B" ...like "Bucky Beaver", "Bobo"(Alabama), and "bogeys".)

August 10 - UGLY ART AND ARCHITECTURE DAY (Time to award the "No. 1 Eyesore" in your community ...hint it's the thing that even a flea market couldn't sell).

August 11 - LEO RECOGNITION DAY (This is payback time when you get to showcase those smug, stubborn, sulky sorts you know strut about and stroke their locks, play with their curls, or simply wear a crown to cover their over-sized cerebellums).

August 12 - BACKHOUSE BEAUTIFICATION DAY (Yup it's time to remodel, redecorate or revive that classic piece of American architecture - the mobile ablution hut - better known as the cottage outhouse, the camp latrine, or the outdoor privy.)

August 13 - BEAT-AROUND-THE-BUSH DAY (A time-honored occasion to evade thorny issues, lead folks down the garden path, and practice your hem-and-hawing skills.)

August 14 - CLUTTERBUG AND PACK-RAT APPRECIATION DAY (It's never too late to recognize the contribution made by frenzied folks who are fond of paper, bits of string, broken pencils and old photographs...who's your nomination?)

August 15 - GONG SHOW AWARD DAY (Is there a delightful ding-dong achievement waiting to be recognized in your workplace or neighborhood?)

August 16 - NATTY NAPKIN DAY (Why not celebrate one of the most overlooked pieces of puff we have today - the humble dickey, chin-wiper, or bib and tucker outfit.)

August 17 - BEST BILLBOARD IN TOWN AWARD (Time to choose your favorite outdoor ad, the one that makes you jump elegantly for joy, roll merrily in the street, or quietly split your sides laughing.)

August 18 - FAKE FLOWER RECOGNITION DAY (Time to plant those plastic pots of PVC pansies on the deck to impress your know-it-all in-laws or nosey neighbors.)

August 19 - THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD PREDICT DAY (Time to put on your crash-helmet ...because this could be a real winner!)

August 20 - EXCESS BAGGAGE APPRECIATION DAY (There's someone out there you know who always packs a 350-pound bag for an overnight trip somewhere.)

August 21 - BY-THE-BOOK REWARD DAY (A great occasion to honor those who never do a thing without consulting the operating instructions, or a policy and procedures manual.)

August 22 - NATIONAL BUTTER-FINGER APPRECIATION DAY (Is there someone around you who constantly drops the ball, can't climb slippery poles, and sucks their thumb a lot?)

August 23 - NATIONAL CAVE MAN RECOGNITION DAY (Time to honor the best breast-beater and burned beef barbecue cook you know.)

August 24 - COCKTAILS & CAPERS (Time to see who can whip up the best blue blazer, daring Daiquiri, horse's neck, old Hickory, Margarita, pink lady, or snappy sidecar without a recipe of course.)

August 25 - CRANKPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Yup... if there's one category of folks that need validation it's this one!)

August 26 - AAAH & OOOH AWARENESS DAY (Time to tell everyone you know what you want for your birthday, Christmas and Employee Appreciation Day.)

August 27 - STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T DO ON YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB DAY (An occasion to honor the fine art of ridiculously pointless drama, incredibly bad timing, and inefficient use of someone else's space.)

August 28 - MEN FROM MARS DAY (A fine occasion to check out the little green guys not to be confused with Men from Glad who grumble about carrying out your trash every week, adore swatting the occasional fly, and claim they were born with an extra appendage ...a TV remote control tethered conveniently to their bodies.)

August 29 - THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T LEND DAY (Let's see, there's your used dental floss, your pet boa, and your whoopee cushion...what else?)

August 30 - THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T KISS DAY (This is a long list: frogs and toads, Big Bird and the Blarney Stone not to mention cheap imitations of Prince Charming or the Princess of Prunes...)

August 31 - BIG FOOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to ask all your favorite questions: "What size sneakers do you wear? Who cuts your hair? When can you come out and play?" )

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Research for this article has been compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon (both of whom have earned a rather ripsnorting reputation as goodwill gossip-mongers in the Queendom of Quippery)